For this Valentine’s Day, and after my 96th failed attempt at online dating, I have decided to offer a new service: Personal Branding for Social Media and Online Dating Services.

But Sam, if you’ve failed, why are you offering this service?

I hear you and your point is valid, BUT I haven’t failed. Society has failed me. Just kidding. 

I get A LOT of attention on dating apps. A lot. Why? Here is a selection of comments from men sliding into my DMs

‘“OMG that’s hilarious. Did that really happen?”

“I LOVE your smile.”

“Did that dinosaur bite off your head, or are you still as gorgeous as you are in that picture”


“All I have to be is not married? Sweet. The bar is low”

So why am I failing? Because people SUCK at representing themselves. I am positive I have swiped left on 1,000 men because their profiles are stupid. Their pictures are terrible-either filtered (seriously dudes…???) or shitty angles. And lets not forget about the inevitable and oh so stereotypical fish pics. They say idiotic things like they attended the school of Hard Knocks, or say “I suck at this. Do people even read this part” in their bios. Remember that saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover?”  Well, that’s stupid because people that design book covers get paid a shit ton of money to make sure the book sells.

We do, guys. We read the bios. Do better.

OK, so what’s this service?

Well, as you might know, one of my specialties is helping people brand their businesses. Another is social media marketing. My business is to make businesses look good online. If I can do it for my clients, I can do it for your Tinder.

So what, you’re a matchmaker now?

HELL NO. I’m not going to review your matches, but I can make you not look like an idiot on the dating sites (and even your regular social media)

How does this work?

You’ll schedule a 15 minute (free) phone consult with me to see if you can be helped or if you are a lost cause. 

Lost causes include but are not limited to:

  • Mansplaining to me about how to run my own business
  • Using 13.5 of the 15 minutes telling me how feminism is ruining society
  • Trying to use my valuable time by trying to convince ME to date you. No. The answer is already no.
  • You’re married

If you pass, the next step will be to fill out a simple questionnaire and submit 20-30 pictures (G RATED PICTURES, DUDES). From this, I will write your bio and cute little anecdotes that will reel them in. I will pick the best photos for your profile. If you submit horrible photos, Ill tell you. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not send pictures with anything you have recently murdered (or harvested, whatever).

How much does this cost?

My hourly rate for consulting services is $75 an hour, but because it’s funny (and today is Valentine’s Day) my rate is $69 per hour if you book a consult TODAY. Unless you are ridiculous, this will likely take no more than 2 hours of my time.

Where do I sign up? 


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